Preface

It is a privilege to have this opportunity to pay tribute to Tony. I have worked with the Open University for over 20 years and have met some remarkable people in the course of my work. Tony is one of the most remarkable. I know that his story will be an inspiration to all who read it.

Any one of the tremendous challenges which Tony has faced throughout his life would have crushed the spirit of most people, and could well have crushed his. Unbelievably, however, he has faced them all with courage, determination and humour and still has the energy to tell his tale. This is all the more unbelievable when one appreciates that his difficulties did not follow on conveniently, one from another, but weaved their wicked paths in amongst each other, throughout Tony's life, often overlapping in their devastation.

It would not have been obvious to me, had I not grown to know Tony over his years as an Open University student, that he had such a battle on his hands. He has been an example to us all in the way he has struggled on with his studies despite all his difficulties. Some years he had to put the studies aside, some years he had to be content with a worse result than he knew he was capable of, but he would always bounce back into the next course with enthusiasm, modesty and gratitude.

Tony's regular expressions of gratitude have been for me one of the most humbling aspects of my relationship with him. It would be so easy to become demanding, bitter, complaining and miserable in the face of such an unfair share of life-difficulties. Tony never has. His exemplary spirit has been an inspiration to me. For this I thank him most sincerely.

Chris Youle, Senior Counsellor, the Open University

1. Introduction

My reason for writing this account of my experience of manic depression is that it may help other’s who suffer from this illness. It may also help those, whose lives have not been touched by it, to understand the stress and the bad feelings associated with this traumatic condition.

Because it appertains to the mind and is not manifested physically, people have difficulty in dealing with it. A sufferer needs understanding and patience above all else. The sufferer cannot put a bandage around his depression or around an elated mood. Both of these terrible states are hell for the manic-depressive. In order to give some perspective into its bipolar nature, manic depression has two phases; one up and one down. The down phase is a severe depression that can deprive a person of reason and lead to a drastic end - suicide.

We all suffer from depression, but the depression associated with manic depression leaves the sufferer like a piece of blotting paper. No energy, no motivation, not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to eat, just wanting to stay in bed all day. The high state also can have far reaching effects and be very dramatic, with the ill person bearing the consequences. For example, he or she feels on top of the world, and could go off with credit cards and spend a lot of money that they do not have. They can also get into all sorts of relationships.

Manic depression could also have a correlation with alcoholism, and sufferers could find themselves eventually in prison. My drinking covered up my manic state; my friends associated it with my being gregarious - actually I was inebriated. I was once arrested and jailed mistakenly for being drunk which only worsened the trauma. This I will describe in more detail later. Even though the illness is bipolar, a person may experience only one phase. The illness is now called bipolar affective disorder and even though this is an improvement on 'manic depression', it is still quite a mouthful.

Manic depression has always carried with it a bad image. This applies both to the condition and those whose mental health is affected by it - people are scared of it. Therefore, in future I will refer to the condition as bi-polar disorder, or 'mood swings', which is exactly what it is.

Another reference I will make is in relation to the partner, who will be called the carer. This could be a relation, friend etc. This person has to be of a certain calibre because he or she has a very difficult undertaking and role. Personally, I have been lucky enough to have aides who look out for me.

I would like to dedicate this book to a very special friend of mine, Eamon Coyne, who died fourteen years ago. He was instrumental in my motivation to write this book. During his life, he encouraged me to put my experiences down on paper, so that they might be of benefit to others. With that sincere advice in mind, it will please me if it my writing is of help to another.

At the time I began to think about writing this autobiography it was no big deal, but I felt that if it would help someone, then it would be a good thing to do. I discussed this idea with my psychiatrist and GP a few times. It sometimes seemed like one of those grandiose ideas which were not produced by a rational mind; being a mood swinger, I can see an idea as being legitimate, when to anyone else it is hare-brained.

I carried out some research in the library as I was tried to find somewhere I could learn to write as I was groping in the dark. I did find out what was required to publish a book, through lists of publishers, details of costs and the vanity of publishers. From newspapers and magazines I was able to get helpful hints and details of writing groups, which were not too expensive to attend.

At the very least I felt that researching this book, and looking at the possibilities of some further study courses, would take up the greater part of an otherwise undedicated year. At best, it would help to maintain stability in my mental state. I was glad that I had gotten over a high I had been experiencing - one that did not last long and which I thought I had handled well.

I have mentioned before, there is the time leading up to a high and the coming down, both of which have to be dealt with. I feel sad and cheated that all of the times associated with these bouts of mood swings, which seem to have taken years from my life. The arthritis I suffer from I feel is more 'legitimate' - it is an illness that society accepts. I feel guilty about being a mood swinger; should I have been given a choice I would rather any illness than this. I become preoccupied with such thoughts when I am not engaged in studies or constructive activities.